In 2011, Vintage Books published 50 Shades of Grey by E.L James, the first installment of what would soon become one of the most sold and sensationalized books of the 21st century. The trilogy, which depicts the relationship between virgin Anastasia Steele and “Dom” Christian Grey, was quickly signed for its own movie franchise by Focus Features. Despite the infamously conservative norms of the Philippines, the film adaptation grossed a total of US$3.6M in the local box office.
“That entire series did put BDSM in the mainstream,” admits Robert*, who shares in BDSM sex with his girlfriend of almost six years. “But I’m not sure if it was for the better. They portrayed BDSM in a way that just wasn’t true.”
The reality of the local BDSM scene is a community that actively advocates for healthy and consensual sex, protecting partners, and play that is equal parts pleasurable and safe.
Let’s talk about sex, baby
As an acronym, “BDSM” stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism, an elaboration that arguably doesn’t alleviate the stigma surrounding the niche culture.
Colloquially, especially in conservative Filipino society, the prevalent perception of BDSM is “kinky” sex for the depraved and damaged. Yet any frank conversation with members of the community disproves negative connotations surrounding the culture. At the heart of play is an awareness between all participants of a great exchange of trust, and with this comes the responsibility of protecting and holding onto that trust.
“You can screw up really easily,” explains Robert. “You think you know your partner, but then you go even just beyond their limits and even if doesn’t hurt [them] physically, the trust that you build with your partner is at jeopardy.”
By virtue of how BDSM scenes operate, candid and sincere conversations are a must before any play can take place, and this is done so all partners are knowledgeable of each other’s limits and desires.
“Ironically, I think this should be the case in any type of intimacy whatsoever,” Robert says. “I don’t think people realize how important sex can be, and so [they] make light of it. A lot of people fail to see the connection and trust that should go into it.”
Toward the great exploration
One of the most distinguishable differences between BDSM and conventional or “vanilla” sex is power and pain. Trisha O’Bannon, a Filipina sex advocate, educator, and BDSM performer describes BDSM as “a really big umbrella term for a lot of non-normative sexual practices […] that deal with power and with pain. There are kinky things that aren’t BDSM necessarily.”
Still, BDSM does not necessarily have to be sexual. One could be put in a chair, tied up, flogged, and still maintain a non-sexual distance.
Believing that BDSM is a big part of her life, O’Bannon shares that the lifestyle has changed her beyond just the way she presents herself outwardly. “A lot of my sex education, like on consent and my current stances on sex and relationships, are derived from what I learned in BDSM. Things like constant communication, respect for other people, and the soft skills are really what changed me.”
She adds that before social movements like #MeToo and other conversations on the issue began, “consent wasn’t as nuanced and as important as it actually is. BDSM was the one that really drilled [the importance of it] into my brain.”
Aside from the education that one can gain from BDSM, the benefits one can gain in different aspects in one’s life, whether physically, emotionally, or socially. O’Bannon shares that physically, BDSM gives her the “kind of high” that the body’s hormones release once it feels pain. The emotional and social benefits, O’Bannon says, include the pleasure and safety one feels when playing out a scenario in a safe environment that the real world can’t provide. “The fact that you [feel safe and that you] can show yourself vulnerable to another person and accept them for who you are and what you want, it’s incredible,” she says.
“Even if you’re doing it in private, you’re kind of like taking on a character that isn’t really you in real life. Whenever I do it, it’s a performance. Sometimes even more when it’s private,” says O’Bannon. She likens the preparation for BDSM to art—she rehearses, thinks of an outcome that she wants, and strives to be better at it every time.
“You’re dealing with people and they have different reactions to things. […] The art part of it really is like honing your craft so you can cater to [your partner’s] interests and basically get what you need as well. […] Like art, it moves you, it changes you, and you can’t help but form an attachment to it,” she says.
The bond and the benefits
One of the most artistic BDSM practices is rope bondage. Dee Sapalo, a Filipino rope bondage artist and founder of the Japanese rope bondage blog Shibari.PH, believes that BDSM is a “manifestation of a degree of mindfulness.”
Sapalo discovered BDSM back in 2013 when he was invited by a friend to a BDSM workshop and found the bold and creative allure of rope bondage. But it was when Sapalo noticed the influx of people who were interested in BDSM that led him to starting Shibari for people to learn more about the lifestyle, and to debunk misconceptions. “A resource portal made sense where we could store all this stuff about safety, understanding consent, improving how we communicate with our partners, and understanding techniques better.”
Despite the euphoric experience of rope bondage, Sapalo stresses that bondage is a dangerous practice, much like any martial art. “A lot of people want to assume that BDSM is the kind that you can self-study and you’ll be fine all throughout. Maybe for role playing [it can work], but if you think about BDSM as something that might have a bigger role in your life and how you make your decisions, why wouldn’t you want to study? Why will you not want to be able to have enough training […], the right mindset, discipline, and training?”
This is very much the case for Kira*, a psychology student at the University of the Philippines-Diliman, who uses rope bondage not as a sexual activity, but as an opportunity to spend time with herself. “I usually [tie] myself [up],” she shares. “I get to focus on myself for a certain amount of time. It puts me in this zone for myself. It’s not for school [and] it’s not for work. It’s a relaxing time for me. It’s comforting.”
Alas, BDSM in the Philippines needs more education and widespread technical skills says Sapalo. “While there is [BDSM] education available, they’re not necessarily as accessible and that organized. […] The blog is actually not just for people who are kinksters, or those who have toys in their closet, it’s meant for their parents. It’s meant for their ultra conservative grandparents or titas who are going to be judging them if they find out about it.”
Getting in touch with local kink communities like Shibari.PH is a useful step in learning more about BDSM. O’Bannon and Sapalo share about communities like Manila Rope, where they “host occasional munches (get-togethers) and workshops to break stereotypes and empower women to take up rigging,” says Sapalo. These communities aim to foster an environment that is geared toward a safer, healthier, and a more sex-positive outlook in life—something that the Philippines can greatly benefit from.
*Editor’s Note: To protect their identity and privacy, the names of these interviewees have been changed at their request.
