Dek: Grief is the continuation of love, persisting and evolving even in the face of death. A bereaved widow’s grief for their departed spouse is a testament to their enduring love.
THE GHOSTS of the dearly departed refuse to be buried into oblivion.
Every time there is a storm, Sam* wishes Michael*—her late husband—was beside her. Despite the passing of time, the emptiness and pain caused by loss stubbornly stay. “The grief is eating up your body… your organs, the cells in your body, your heart,” she remarks.
In some cases, “‘til death do us part” is not always the end for the people who hold onto the love they have for their late spouses. A widow’s grief attests that amid a loved one’s passing, true love transcends the physical realm. The meaningfulness of life and love does not cease after death—in fact, it goes on and grows.
The mourning after
Sam had always prayed that she would marry a partner whom she could spend her life with. When she met Michael—the person whom she eventually married and made a lot of fond memories with—she believed he was “the one” she would spend the rest of her days with.
As a father, Michael showed much love and consideration for his children. When his work required him to travel out of town, not a day would pass that he would not wish his family a good night. His colleagues also affirmed that as a leader at their workplace, Michael was well loved by the people around him.
A few days after Michael’s 56th birthday in 2019, the family went to a steakhouse where Michael and Sam had their dates back when they were a young, budding couple. While strolling around, Michael started feeling a bit unwell and nauseous. When asked if he wanted to pass by the hospital, he assured his family that he could handle it.
Upon reaching home, Sam prepared a foot spa and advised Michael to lie down and rest. Soon after, Michael complained about a pounding in his head and asked for medicine to relieve the sensation. Throughout all this, Sam was insistent that they head to the doctor’s before his condition worsened.
However, before they could get any medical attention, Michael fell to the ground, unable to stand. Frantic, Sam dialed the nearest ambulance service but to no avail. With the help of a security guard, they were able to hail a cab. Michael was unconscious during the ride to the emergency room, his head leaning on Sam’s shoulder in the middle of the heavy traffic. In the midst of shock and devastation, the doctor broke the news that he did not make it due to cardiac arrest.
Despite having experienced the feeling of losing a loved one before, Sam was still confused with what to do. Grappling with complex emotions, Sam grieved with her two children. Sleepless nights and days without eating went by. She asked her daughter, “What will I do next?”
While Sam found the courage to cope, the remaining journey to healing remains erratic, even after all these years. Michael’s passing has provided countless challenges for the family, but she remains hopeful that life will get better as time passes by.
In delicate moments such as these, questions tinged with guilt and doubt may surface, leading the bereaved to ask if moving on would mean forgetting and abandoning the love they have for their dearly departed.
Indelible scars
Grief is one of the most difficult emotions a human being can feel. “We couldn’t mourn that time, but we could feel the pain in our hearts,” Sam shares. She recounts that in moving on, the pain never goes away: It remains there whenever she remembers her husband.
Avegale C. Acosta, a faculty member at the Ateneo de Manila University’s Psychology Department and a psychologist for the Ateneo Bulatao Center, states that there is no one way to describe an individual’s way of processing grief or mourning. “People tend to process grief differently,” Acosta says.
Some may allow themselves the space to experience their feelings, while others may hold back from confronting or experiencing their grief in any way. Some may think that they have completely healed already, but may suddenly burst into tears upon seeing the photograph of a loved one. “Bonds with the bereaved don’t end with death. You carry it with you, and it impacts you as you carry on with life,” Acosta explains.
Acosta shares that the process of grief has no defined timeline. She recalls the ball-in-a-box metaphor used to describe grief: In the metaphor, the ball feels heavy and fills every space and crevice of the box. There is a pain button within its walls that is large enough to be ignored. However, as the ball moves and touches the walls of the box, it presses this pain button.
However, our ability to contain grief may become bigger as time passes. The box may even be filled with more items to cushion the ball—perhaps a new relationship, identity, goal, or method of self-care. Ultimately, the grief never entirely goes away; it becomes something a person carries as they continue to live. The pain button remains, but this time, the individual possesses more tools in their toolbox to deal with grief.
According to Acosta, conducting therapy sessions with the bereaved can be safe spaces where they can “experience” grief and mourning. These may help bereaved spouses to recognize that the reality of death will be a normal part of life moving forward.
Moving on while continuing to carry memories of the deceased requires practicing self-care and establishing reliable support systems. For instance, it helps to be more prepared and mindful of key dates—such as the birthday of a loved one, Christmas, New Year, and Anniversary—as these key dates may evoke overwhelming emotions.
“You will have ‘soft spots’ within you,” Acosta says. “Each time you remember that person, it may trigger tears and sadness, and a lot of that—that’s okay.”
To love (you more) again
Almost four years after her spouse’s passing, Sam shares that she has discovered new love. New activities fill her with purpose—cooking, taking care of the pets, gardening, fixing the house, and watching movies.
At this stage of her life, she is not actively looking for a partner anymore. If romantic love arrives and gives her purpose in life, perhaps she would gladly embrace it. “If it will give me a problem, maybe tama na muna ngayon (maybe not for now),” she jests.
As of now, Sam is happy and content as a plantita and a housewife with her two children. “Love just comes,” she adds.
Not even death can cut love short, as it grows and evolves into various forms. Her memories of her husband linger—in the butterflies fluttering by his grave, in the food places he used to bring them to, and in the cards they played fondly. She remembers him during Fathers’ Day celebrations, through the habits their children learned from him, and in every living remnant of his love.
Standing as both the mother and father figure for her family, Sam believes that her ultimate purpose is to help her children succeed in their respective endeavors. She continues to express her love for her late spouse by looking after her children. “Without love, I won’t be able to be strong like this,” she claims.
At times of hardship and struggle, Sam could still feel Michael, tapping on her shoulders as if comforting her. Such is the type of love that never runs out—a love that overflows, yearning to be shared with other people.
Sam took long, deep breaths, fighting back tears and gathering her thoughts. Slowly, but surely, a bittersweet smile formed on her lips. Sam concludes, “Behind these thick clouds, the sun will always shine, so you will be able to love again. [Being able to love] again doesn’t mean I didn’t love, [it means] I can love more.”
*Editor’s Note: The interviewee’s and her late husband’s name has been changed at her request to protect their identity and privacy.
