IF THERE is anyone in the world you could trust, it should be yourself. Yet, I never felt secure in my identity, after constantly navigating through spaces that deny my belonging.
During Pride Month, queer individuals fight for acceptance and against discrimination. While I deeply appreciate and honor this call to action, it has never fully resonated with me. Instead, I often pondered how internalized prejudice eclipses our search for validation from others and our journey to self-acceptance.
Amid sociocultural prejudice, Filipino queers struggle with accepting themselves due to internalized homophobia rooted from restraints and pressure from families and communities. Often, they are left to navigate psychological distress that accompanies their privacy and secrecy as “coming out” remains foreign.
Locally, pakikiramdam (emotional intuition) is more prevalent than coming out. Identities are affirmed through nonverbal cues, intentional silence, and trusting that people intuitively understand personal dispositions and can see through the glass closet left quietly closed.
However, as internalized homophobia remains culturally hardwired and reflexively practiced, the true threat to queer closets is in the self-directed hostility experienced before one can even face bigger battles externally.
Growing up, I never found the need to come out because I felt that I was already halata (obviously gay). Confirming my identity to others seems less significant now that I have grown increasingly uncomfortable with myself, frivolously and selectively acting out different personas.
As a queer individual in a patriarchal environment, I keep myself in line as “acting straight” rescues me from the threats of homophobia. But when survival becomes the norm, it hardens into harmful habits. As these habits compound, insults become jokes and invalidations result in passive acceptance and conformity.
Recently, stereotypes of gay people as effeminate and flamboyant have become increasingly stigmatized in favor of traditional masculinity. While this form of discrimination is unintentional and ambiguous, these microaggressions remain derogatory for queer individuals.
It is these very microaggressions that hinder queer identity development and inflict mental stress. Hence, the longing for acceptance becomes unsound when we expect acceptance from others despite being complicit in discrimination within our own “safe spaces.”
I am just as guilty. I envy those who can be confident in who they are, and those who can express themselves as they want. Despite this, there is no anger or frustration—only silent prayers that the weight of discomfort will embolden me to truly find my identity.
For those who remain uncertain, there is only so much fragility you can tolerate. As we commemorate Pride Month, we must remember that there is room for error in finding our queer identity, but we must first remain grounded in ourselves before letting others define us.
Gerald is a Chemistry-Materials Science and Engineering junior at the Ateneo de Manila University. With his skills in science communication and graphic design, he seeks to integrate text and multimedia to promote accessible and equitable science education.
Editor’s Note: The views and opinions expressed by the opinion writer do not necessarily state or reflect those of the publication.
