MOM TELLS me that I love too much—too quickly, too intensely, and unfortunately, too recklessly. For instance, I would keep tabs on people’s drink preferences and schedules to personally deliver a Lemon Yakult Slush from Coco if they tell me their CTC class is particularly draining. Other times, I would hoist all three of my bags onto my left shoulder to hold someone’s hand with nothing getting in the way. My scoliosis has definitely gotten worse because of how I carried my belongings, but what can I say? I have always stubbornly pursued love in all its forms.
To love someone is no easy matter—it is a constant state of choosing them, of deciding that they are above the alternatives I have available. When I love a person, it is simply because I want to.
But what happens to me when their decision is to sever everything that tied us together?
It would be easier if I could just erase it all. Undo any and all pain of yet another heartbreak, and detach from the reality I was used to. I do not need to remember how they stitched their hand with mine because there is no future where they still do. I do not need the imagery of an empty ballroom because I no longer have my dance partner. I do not need the shared smiles or laughter or glances or knowledge of what these meant to me. I do not need these memories, nor do I want them. Why should I hold onto memories if all they do is remind me where I failed?
Mom was right—I love too recklessly, and all it does is haunt me.
I cannot help but feel resentment toward myself. After all, who rewatches the same movie thinking the ending will change? I am already familiar with the plot—my favorite people turn into strangers, and my safe spaces into war zones. All I want is to forget how much the heartbreak burns, but to do so would mean I also deny how warm the love used to be.
In the midst of my grief, I convinced myself that I should let go of my past if it caused me pain. However, it is in remembering fully that I am able to understand how much each moment meant to me. Even if looking back triggers twinges within my heart, I know that I would not have wanted to live those moments without them in it.
Whenever I would revisit my memories with people who have since moved on without me, I used to think that the love no longer existed. However, I have come to realize that it is simply being contained within its own space. People may come and go, but I will always be there for myself, and so will the people who do choose to stay.
I am much too proud to admit that I still hold fast to people who have left, but I will no longer deny the impact that they have made on me, regardless of how distant they may be now. The love has not gone to waste, nor will I ever allow it to do so. Perhaps one day, I will finally get used to distributing my bags’ weight evenly on my shoulders.
Noelle is an AB Sociology major taking a double Minor in English Literature and Education. She is expected to graduate from the Ateneo de Manila University in 2025.
Editor’s Note: The views and opinions expressed by the opinion writer do not necessarily state or reflect those of the publication.
