WHO WOULD’VE thought that a silly TikTok video of a mouse eating alone would sum up my entire first semester?
These “mouse moments” videos trended a little around early September, usually depicting people recording themselves—usually only by themselves—eating at restaurants or wandering around museums or malls. An air of romanticization surrounds the trend, but there is always a twinge of sadness in it as well. I mean, who would want to spend time feeling lonely? There are so many experiences to share with friends in life, so it would be an entire waste to wallow by yourself.
I would have resonated with that sentiment, really, if I were not ironically sitting alone in a fast food restaurant by myself—scrolling through these trends with one hand, feeding myself with spoonfuls of rice with the other. No presence around me, no friends to invite after class, no company to share with. It was just silly old me occupying space among the busy crowd of Katipunan and I felt so lonely.
Don’t get me wrong—I have wonderful friends and the people I’ve met are so welcoming, but I could not push myself out of this shell, especially after the isolation that the pandemic left me in. I was scared.
Like a mouse, I have just resorted to being in cramped spaces, so I wouldn’t be vulnerable in the expansive space I am in. It felt as though the city life was about to swallow me whole, and I—the tiniest speck in the universe—believed I did not belong here.
The funniest thing is I knew this would happen. What else was I going to expect moving to an entirely new city with little to no friends from my hometown? I knew the experience would be lonely, but I still looked forward to it.
Moving far from familiarity has been one of my aspirations since childhood. When I fulfilled this dream, my introverted self got a chance to thrive elsewhere. This big chapter opened up in front of me, and I believe that my coming-of-age story was about to begin.
Yet, I realized that life passes on with or without me. There is so much going on in this world for my own existence to matter in the grander scheme of things. No one in the streets would even spare me a second glance, and I wouldn’t spare them either.
As I stay in the corner of Regis with my earphones plugged in, people’s chatters carry on. Social media always updates itself no matter how much I don’t post or scroll down. The parties continue even if I just stare at the city skyline at night alone.
The sun rises, goes down, and rises again, in spite of sleepless nights or groggy mornings. As Mitski has pointed out, “I always knew the world moves on / I just didn’t know it would go without me.”
Still, I tried to make it work. I swallow down my nerves and open myself up to the world, finding opportunities to connect with others and trying to live in this new world. What’s important is that I tried, right? The scariest part of experiencing the world is just beginning, as people always say. As long as I make an effort, who knows where it will lead me?
Well, I tried, and it still ended with me isolated in the safety of my own corner—on campus, in restaurants, or even in my own dorm. Unfortunately, being a recluse has had a bad reputation since onsite classes resumed. Yet, I grew to be grateful for these mouse moments that I’ve been having. In these, I found a newfound appreciation for this comfort zone. Even as the world around me blurs with how fast it moves, I am in the middle of watching it all unfold. This is what life is about.
I learned to find excitement in the mundane. With this, I can always find a spark even in the faintest of lights. Thus, as the days pass by and the world seemingly orbits around the sun, it is always good to remember that life is a marathon—not a race.
You have to look forward to the new day in front of you, rather than wallowing in what could have been. The mouse still lives in the city after all, running through the busy yet lively world it offers. Life goes on, and you just follow your own pace. Nothing more, nothing less. C’est la vie.
