ALMOST EVERY Atenean dreams of being away from home as soon as they enter Ateneo. Living alone provides a new sense of freedom and control many seek in their college days. My friends consider me lucky to have been given this opportunity to become more independent. However, I am also the butt of most of their jokes, having lived this dream and decided to move out only after two short days.
Unlike most people, I have always loved the comfort of being at home. Almost every Friday night pre-quarantine, I rushed to Gilmore station, hoping to finish my commute before the sky turned dark. Rarely was I seen walking in the streets of Katipunan late at night, a stark contrast to most of my peers who enjoy the excitement the nightlife offered. Don’t get me wrong, though. I stayed on campus after classes and I did go out with my friends from time to time. However, I felt most like myself at home—my sacred space where I feel safest.
It would appear that I am the last person to experience the dreaded cabin fever after the implementation of community quarantine. But ironically, I have never been more restless in the place I associate with being at ease. The COVID-19 pandemic has put a lot of things into perspective, including how I perceive myself. While I know I am protected in this familiar space, there is no room for me to interact, grow, and become a better version of myself.
In hindsight, I never fully lived the college experience I always dreamed of. After spending nearly a year of classes online, I realize that I have many regrets about not being adventurous during my time on campus. Most nights in quarantine were spent thinking about what I could’ve done differently. I wish I had gone out with my friends more, ate in new restaurants, and said yes to that quick visit to UP Town Center. It’s disheartening to read on social media about many establishments along Katipunan closing down, most of which I never even went to or will ever get to go to.
Little did I know that this complacency of staying within my own bubble has translated to other aspects of my life. I am always the quietest in large groups, least updated on pop culture, and densest when it comes to the most obvious of things. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because I constantly doubted my abilities and feared failure. My expectations were often set low to avoid disappointment, despite knowing that I can do better. It’s this long-standing habit of mine to remain in my comfort zone that hindered me from reaching my fullest potential.
Nowadays, I try not to linger too much on my regrets about what I should’ve done during my first two years in college. I’m still in my early twenties with way more ahead of me, after all. While it is unlikely that I’ll get the chance to step foot on campus as a student again, I know there will be other places that I can explore in the future. When that time finally comes, I hope to find the courage to leave home and return with more confidence in myself.
