YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME. The friend zone is something everyone has had an encounter with. Photo by Karen F. De La Fuente

“You’ve waited too long to make a move, and now you’re in the friend zone,” Joey Tribbiani patiently explains to a hopeful Ross Geller in a 1994 episode of the sitcom, Friends. “If you don’t ask her out soon, you’re gonna end up stuck in the zone forever.”

We all know what it’s like to be Ross——whether you’re the college freshman with a crush on your biology lab partner, or the graduating senior with unprofessed love for your blockmate. It’s no wonder, then, that almost two decades after Friends aired its last episode, the friend zone is still a staple in everyone s colloquial vocabulary.

“Kaibigan lang pala”

Sometime between graduation and unemployment, former Atenean Ryan* was introduced to Jhenelynn* through their common friend Zoe*. Ryan spent much of his free time with Jhenelynn and, needless to say, he fell for her.

Ryan then proceeded to consult friends——Zoe in particular——for advice. He spent months reading into cryptic Facebook statuses, overanalyzing words of endearment and surprising her with red velvet cupcakes. Finally, Ryan owned up to his feelings.

“She said that she couldn’t be with me because she only really saw me as a friend,” he says.

If Ryan’s story seems familiar, it’s because practically all of us, at one point in our lives, have been Ryan, Jhenelynn or Zoe. Whether we like it or not, all of us have had our own encounters with the dreaded friend zone.

Granted, the concept of the “friend zone” can mean different things to different people. However, one thing remains constant: one party is deemed as “just” the friend——no more, no less. For self-proclaimed “Internet action star” Ramon Bautista, the friend zone “is [a] relationship situation where your potential romantic partner keeps you at a non-romantic distance.”

It is this very definition of the friend zone that Bautista’s fans identify with, keeping them hungry for more episodes of Tales from the Friend Zone (TFTFZ), a YouTube mini-series Bautista films with director RA Rivera. Commonly referred to by fans as TFTFZ, it shows different friend zone situations——all true to life and sent in by fans through Formspring.

Every episode starts off the same: the show’s melancholy theme is played and fades as Bautista introduces himself and narrates the contents of a letter. The messages almost always end with a plea for advice on escaping the friend zone——a situation that both Bautista and Rivera can easily relate to. “We made a friend zone series because [Rivera] and I always get friend zoned,” says Bautista. “You see, we are nice geek guys. To girls we like, we are easy friend zone targets. We feel that a lot of people out there are like us.”

Armed with a whiteboard and a marker, Bautista then proceeds to educate his audience on the mechanics of “preemptive supalpal (a gentle hint of the forthcoming rejection),” the difference of being in the friend zone and flat-out rejection, and knowing when to be “abangers (a person who watches and waits before making a move)”——as well as when to just give up.

Technical difficulties

While TFTFZ is popular among young Filipinos, it’s hardly the only friend zone-related material that can be found on the Internet. In actuality, the idea of the friend zone has been making appearances on Internet forums such as The Straight Dope and online communities like Reddit as early as 2003. Since then, it has worked itself into present-day pop culture.

Communication Department faculty member Ayo Supangco blames the ubiquity of the friend zone on social media. “The awkward forays of people in romance is a prime source of entertainment for many,” he says. The flexibility of social media allows anyone to post their friend zone stories on the Internet to seek comfort or to fuel their bitterness.

Sites like 9gag couple pictures with captions that communicate bitter feelings toward girls who insist that their long-suffering male friends are just that——friends. Urban Dictionary, on the other hand, describes the friend zone as sexual rejection: “Men don’t have platonic friends,” says an entry that quotes comedian Chris Rock. “We just have women we haven’t fucked——yet.”

The friend zone’s constant presence on the Internet isn’t all just humor and camaraderie. Maripaz Ortiz, director of the Loyola Schools Office of Guidance and Counseling, notes that the idea of the friend zone today is much harsher than it was before. “It can be threatening because it is online. There’s a concrete reminder that you are placed in that category… That’s why it hurts more, because it’s out there.”

Constant reminders are just the tip of the iceberg. The Internet has also taken liking someone to a completely different level——one where the details of a person’s life can be found at the click of a button and where a vast amount of Facebook statuses, shared links and cryptic tweets are just waiting to be overanalyzed. “I started to read into almost all of her posts on Facebook, and try to find some hints of romantic interest for me,” Ryan recounts.

As more and more people seek refuge in the anonymity and comfort of social media, the friend zone has come to be viewed as a badge of honor——the weary finding comfort in knowing that there are others out there just like them. Ortiz even goes so far as to liken the friend zone to going through a semester with a “terror prof.” Where a student recounts his tenuous semester, someone in the friend zone shares his luckless experiences in love——both seen as martyrs in the eyes of their peers.

Words of wisdom

Today, as Ryan moves on from the pain of rejection, he suggests that perhaps karma has something to do with his current situation. Fresh out of high school and clueless about girls, the younger Ryan struggled to rid himself of the unwanted attention of a female blockmate. “I actually made an effort to evade her in school,” he sheepishly admits.

Ryan’s past experience is quite rare——it isn’t too often that we find girls being the object of the friend zone. Most media present men as victims of the friend zone and sometimes even go so far as to insist that females never get friend zoned. Girls commonly retaliate by insisting that they get friend zoned, too, but no matter how much they try to deny it, these exaggerated claims are actually rooted in fact.

In a study published in 2000 by the University of Austin, it was found that men value the romantic potential of their female friends more so than women. Women, on the other hand, saw the lack of romantic potential in their male friends as a benefit. It is, therefore, more likely for a guy to make a move on his female friend, rather than the other way around.

The science behind the friend zone, however, does little to alleviate the pain it causes. Former Atenean Laura, who has been friend zoned, agrees. “I found myself admitting what my pride wouldn’t allow me to for several months before it was too late——I liked him,” a regretful Laura confesses, after having shown indifference toward her friend Patrick* for almost a year. “We’re still good friends and all, but I guess that’s all we’ll ever be.”

While some aspects of the friend zone can be studied and explained, there are questions about love and relationships that haven’t been answered to this day. For instance, in the 1989 film When Harry Met Sally, the idea of the friend zone raises the question of whether two people of the opposite sex can truly just be friends——a question to which Bautista confidently answers yes, but only if both parties “see each other as panget (ugly) and non-sexually desirable.”

Perhaps, then, the more relevant question is whether it’s possible to actually escape the friend zone. After all, while Friends’ Ross and Rachel ended up getting married, the reality behind the situations in TFTFZ hardly leaves its audience optimistic.

“Many of those who get friend zoned actually are expecting it,” Ortiz observes. “They’re waiting for the rejection rather than the acceptance.”

The vast majority may hold fatalistic views on the subject of the friend zone due to the exaggeration of social media, but both Ortiz and Bautista insist that the friend zone is escapable——it’s all in the timing. As Bautista puts it: “Just be an abanger and wait for her to put you in the pwede-na-yan zone.”

Behind every closed door

Whether you’re male or female, young or old, the friend zone is a universal experience——a painful one at that, both for the friend zone-r and the friend zoned, and for the friends of the parties involved. But what social media fails to remind us most of the time is that being in the friend zone isn’t the end of the world. As Ortiz gently reminds her students, some people won’t like you, but that doesn’t mean everyone won’t like you.

Perhaps that’s what sets TFTFZ apart from other friend zone themed content on the Internet. Not only does Bautista offer the harsh truth, good advice and humor, but he also reminds us that something good comes with every painful experience: “Na-friend zone ka nga, may T-shirt ka naman!”

*Editor’’s Note: Names have been changed at the request of the interviewees.