Patriarchal societies have long pitted women against one another. However, lying behind differences in women’s lifestyles is the clamor to exercise their respective sexual choices openly and without shame.
A WOMAN’S sexual behavior is no stranger to intense scrutiny under a patriarchal gaze. For the longest time, society has felt the need to chime in and set standards on how a woman should present herself to the opposite sex. If she gives away too much, then it’s a scandal, but if she gives nothing, then she’s a prude.
Now, being in a more open and sex-positive present, women have the opportunity to see that the line dividing them is nothing but a call to define themselves by their own terms. Then, whether a woman engages in casual sex or practices sexual abstinence, these preferences are merely a reminder that a woman’s choices are no one else’s but hers.
Touchy subjects
Nicole* and Julia* represent women on the two opposite ends of the spectrum, with the former holding on to her virginity until marriage and the latter engaging in casual sex.
However, behind their seemingly stark differences lies a similarity in histories, particularly of how they arrived at these preferences following their early impressions of love. For example, while her parents did not stay together, Nicole found role models of love through her grandparents who have been married for more than 58 years. They often treat her as their youngest child rather than their first granddaughter. “While I don’t have a role model when it comes to [romantic] love in my own family unit, I see it every day in other things [from the people around me],” she explains.
Julia’s parents also split up at a young age, compelling her to find her understanding of love through books.
Such forms of media, including their taboo surrounding displays of sex and genitalia, also anchored their outlook on love and relationships. In Julia’s household, the idea of sex was normalized as a concept that she would eventually experience. Meanwhile, Nicole’s family preferred to let these thoughts remain unspoken rather than be addressed, censoring as many vulgar scenes as they possibly could.
As they developed into young adults, the foresight of love transitioned into a curiosity for sex which they both had to explore all in their own context and time.
Intimate incidents
As Nicole went from witnessing love to experiencing it for herself, her attitude toward sex was unchanged. Entering a serious relationship that would last five years, Nicole was committed to remaining celibate. “I [have] this belief that my virginity is the best gift I can give my husband,” she shares.
Aware that this opinion has lost favor throughout generations, Nicole expresses that her decision to stay celibate stands solely as a personal preference, and she does not think negatively of premarital sex. Though often rooted in religious belief, sexual abstinence in her case is a self-promise grounded in a desire to lose her virginity to the man she will spend the rest of her life with. “I want sana my first time, siya na (I hopefully want my first time to be with the one),” she explains.
Although faced with the desires and opportunities to engage in sex, Nicole worked hard to stay true to her belief. Her partner also had bouts of disappointment but remained fully supportive of her wishes. With this, they found ways to stay intimate outside of the bedroom, such as by having deep conversations about life and their futures. “The foundation of our relationship was more meaningful than [sex],” she says.
Conversely, Julia became sexually active at the age of 14, viewing sex as something that most people explore out of curiosity. It was not until three years later that she started engaging in casual sex. Often meeting up with people she encountered on dating apps, Julia initially had sex in search of pleasure, describing it as an “easily accessible drug that gives people a high.”
However, she soon found out that with the high came a crash. She personally realized that casual sex felt like giving away a part of herself, sharing what was meant to be an intimate and beautiful thing with mere strangers.
After years of continuing to have casual sex, she felt that it was exploitative, where men were glorified while women were shamed. “When you do not have an emotional connection with someone, [sex] has the tendency to become violent,” she says. This observation stems from personal experience, along with the reality that men are often portrayed as possessive and dominant during sex, spilling over into their sexual practices.
Under scrutiny
Candid about her sexual abstinence with others, Nicole has experienced nothing but support from her peers, while Julia has been consistently criticized for her promiscuousness. Being open about her sex life, she often became the center of bullying and gossip, once leading to an invasion of her data privacy. “If you’re [going to] leak my nudes, I’m going to leak them first,” she says in retrospect on what she would have done.
The drastic difference in the way others treat these women aligns with Filipinos’ behavior of belittling women who engage in premarital sex; they are often perceived as having low self-esteem and possessing tendencies to cheat. For instance, one of Nicole’s previous partners also made the misguided assumption that, having had casual sex, she was sexually attracted to everyone she laid her eyes on.
Contrary to such belief, Julia’s current relationship started out as a casual hook-up but turned into a deep and loving connection—a testament to the long and hard process of unlearning the sexual attitude ingrained in her since she was younger. Sex has now become a culmination of love for Julia, something she saves for people she truly cares for.
Despite these two women taking charge of their sexual choices, women’s sexuality in the country remains to be heavily scrutinized and actively suppressed.
Out of the bedroom
Contrary to the widespread taboo that represses sexual discussions, sexual choices should essentially be informed decisions. However, sex education in the Philippines has yet to be compulsory and comprehensive due to the lacking implementation of the Reproductive Health Bill. “The state of sex education [in the country] is unsurprisingly non-existent,” Julia shares.
With a glaring lack of information on sex in schools, many women have turned to online resources, and Julia has worked to become a trusted source herself. Using her social media platforms, she shares information on safe sex and local access to birth control. Julia has proudly become the woman she needed when she was younger, an approachable figure for girls to get advice on all things sex.
As she takes on this role, Julia sees sex simply as a normal part of life. “If being sexually active has brought me any [empowerment], it [is] being able to give the information and reassurance that a lot of people aren’t able to hear almost ever,” she says.
Nicole also believes in Filipino women’s right to information on sexual health, stating that the country needs to make their family programs more comprehensive and accessible, especially to young girls. By doing so, they will be granted more bodily autonomy, just as Nicole finds that sexual abstinence gives her confidence and a sense of agency.
However, she asserts that nothing sets her apart from the women who flaunt their sexuality. “[Sexually active women] are just like me, only they chose to [have sex] while I choose not to, but the common denominator is that we have control over our bodies and we can choose what we want to do with it,” she says.
*Editor’s Note: The interviewees’ names have been changed at their request to protect their identity and privacy.
