DID YOU know that Lorde was only 20 years old when she released Melodrama? In the album, she expresses her experiences as a girl entering adulthood. All in all, Melodrama is nothing short of a very relatable rollercoaster of emotions. Like the protagonist of Melodrama, I, too, have had my fair share of parties, blank days, friendships, heartache, and everything else a typical 19-year-old would have experienced. I’m on the last leg of my teenage years, so here I am thinking: What is there after 19?
I have spent the last two years of my life sitting at my desk, staring at a screen, and living the same routine for days on end. I felt that even as time moved forward, my life paused at the age of 17. Then, I was a high school graduate who didn’t have a graduation, suddenly experiencing her freshman year of college through squares on a monitor. Every day thereon, for approximately 730 days, felt exactly the same. Now, I’m in my junior year, rapidly approaching what is probably my final year of college and the end of my journey in formal education.
People ask me what I’m looking forward to doing after graduating from university. I simply shrug my shoulders and reply that I’m only 19. I’ve got a long way to go, why should I be worrying about what job I want to do for the rest of my life? Can’t I just worry about what I’m going to have for lunch tomorrow? Then, the realization that I’m already 19 kicks in.
In my head, turning 20 is simultaneously lightyears away and just a few hours from now. I’m old enough to be driving myself to places and living on my own, but I’m also young enough for it to be socially acceptable to spend my weekend building a Batmobile Lego set. This point in my life has become a void of uncertainty. I spend my days wondering what I’m supposed to be doing in the future and if there is anything I need to do now. I’m left taking everything in one day at a time, unsure of where this will all lead me to and if it will lead me to something I’d be happy with. All I can do is hope that it will lead me somewhere good.
When I think about turning 20, I’m filled with fear. I will have broken through the invisible boundaries of teenhood. Because of this, I will also have this unspoken increase of freedom in any decision I make from here on out, which also means that anything that goes wrong from here is all on me. I will no longer be considered a teenager. Instead, I’ll suddenly be this independent, mature adult woman who’s just a hop, skip, and a jump away from being thirty. It frightens me to even think about possible ways I could have put my teenage years to better use, but at the same time, I have no regrets spending my years the way I did. After all, it is what has led me to where I am now. Besides, who really knows where life will take them?
Every now and then, I look in the mirror and see my teenage self who is on the brink of adulthood. I see myself and remember going to parties and hurling my guts out as soon as I get home. I look back on those nights I spent alone in my room, comfortable in the silence within my walls. I reminisce on the moments I’ve shared with the people I have loved and the people I still love. I find solace in these memories and wonder if I will ever be able to experience them again.
Teenage years aren’t meant to be perfect and not everything will go the way I want it to. All I have to do is live through it and savor those moments of imperfection because soon enough, I’ll enter a new chapter of my life and I won’t even realize it. Entering this new beginning isn’t me abandoning my teenage self. It’s me giving myself the opportunity to experience everything else that life has in store for me. Ultimately, I’ve only had a sliver of what life has to offer me. With the fear and uncertainty of the future, I have no choice but to brave it and look ahead. In the words of Lorde, I’m 19 and I’m on fire.
