There are some things in life that are beyond our understanding. No matter how many questions we ask and answer, it will never be enough for us to completely grasp their true meaning. It’s like trying to step on our own shadows. We could twist our bodies from all possible angles, but our shadows will always remain beyond our grasp. Sometimes, we encounter these shadows unexpectedly, lurking behind us or looming over our heads like a guillotine, just waiting to strike when we feel that nothing could go wrong.
At my age, I never thought that I would encounter anything like suicide. For me, it could only happen in film and literature, or even to other people that I’m not related to. I felt safe in my cocoon-like world with all its predictable routines and mundane events. I was assured that everyone around me is happy or at least satisfied with their lives. They will never think of putting an end to their lives so suddenly.
The way my friend died has been marked by confusing remarks and blown-up gossip. Most people are even adding fuel to the fire– speculating more controversy to the already painful event. I hear people say a lot of theories about how he killed himself. Some even say that he was murdered and all of this is a conspiracy.
But, none of this has been confirmed nor will it ever be. What I do know is that he hanged himself and even that is shrouded in mystery. I’d rather not know how he really died and I wish for people to stop speculating about it. Accepting that he is gone is all I could take in for now. I would prefer to remember how he lived and changed the lives of the people around him.
When I heard the news of his passing away, I immediately asked someone if he left anything behind, a note, a message, or a symbol—something to make me understand why he had to leave so soon. But, there was nothing and it damaged me somehow when he left a lot of things unexplained. Questions kept on pounding through my head, demanding definite answers. How can anyone calmly make a decision like that? How can anyone ever think of that in the first place? Who are we to judge when and how to end our lives?
If there is one thing that I fear the most, it is death. Death is so incomprehensible and the thought of my friend choosing to end his life is even more so. It hurt me and created a dark void inside my heart.
I was so angry at him for giving up half way and at myself for being so insensitive to his pain. During his wake, I realized that I have never been a good friend to him. I’ve never thought of running the extra mile for him. I’ve never been there for him when he needed a shoulder to lean on. I’ve never taken the opportunity to ask him, to probe deeper, to insist in knowing if he has a problem that he cannot face alone.
Could I have done something to stop it from happening?
Honestly, I don’t think anyone could have done anything to stop it. We can never know what a person truly feels and neither can we dictate how they should think. The only thing that we could stop doing is being so uncaring. All we can do is to be there for the person and hope that it is enough for them to change their minds.
His death is no one’s fault but everyone’s mistake. Our world is so desensitized and we are becoming so numb to everything around us. We talk but we never speak, we see but we never look, we hear but we never listen. There are two lessons that his death taught me and it is to live every day as if it is my last. It’s also to never stop reaching out my hand and to make it available to anyone who needs it, even if it means that it will stay outstretched forever.
I know that my friend’s death has triggered a change in me. I now see the world in a more fleeting and cruel light than before. Tragic things will occur unexpectedly, but the world will continue to move forward as if nothing has happened. Tomorrow in this world, for him, will never come again. But tomorrow, for me, is inevitable. Morning will come with a vengeance each day that I continue to breathe and all I could do is know that all things have to end at some point. But they don’t have to end that way—seek and ask for help and you will receive it unequivocally.
Saying goodbye to a friend because he decided to end his life is the most difficult thing that I’ve ever done. I hope I never have to do it again.
Marian is a third year student of the Ateneo’s School of Social Sciences. She was 19 years old when this article was written.
*Name has been changed to protect the individual.
