In this situation, there are no terms and conditions—until one wants more and the other refuses.
IT ALL starts with a well-thought of, quirky conversation starter—sparking an unexpected late-night exchange.
Every response is full of rizz, so you’re enthralled: You’ve never had a chat like this. What are the chances that you’ve watched the same TV shows? Who would have thought that you both listen to that one indie underground artist that no one knew and has less than a million listeners on Spotify?
Conversation is effortless, and you’ve never met anyone like them. You curate a playlist for the both of you. You schedule movie nights, meet-ups, and you were right—the connection was just as good, online and in person.
As you fill in your friends with the juicy details, you can’t help but think about what you both are to each other—and you’re confused. Sometimes you talk all-day, but on the other days, they just won’t respond. Your conversations used to have no intervals, but now you are just staring at that blue checkmark on your screen. Sent 24 seconds ago, it says—until those 24 seconds become minutes, hours, days, weeks, and even months.
Suddenly, they’re gone, and you’ve never even talked about what you really were.
You then realize that you weren’t in a relationship, but rather a situationship—the consolation prize you get when your partner couldn’t give you real commitment.
Something like that, but not really
The pandemic has forced many people to rely on virtual communication and physical distance, thus making it difficult to form and maintain traditional relationships. As a result, these pairs may have found themselves in a state of limbo, where they are not quite friends, but not quite romantically committed either.
Blossoming from being high school acquaintances, Emma* (2 AB MEC) and her partner Tin* rekindled their relationship during senior year of high school and eventually ended up together in a situationship. Often finding comfort in each other’s company, Tin and Emma would alleviate their boredom with fun conversations. Both of them cherished these moments, strengthening their bond through their shared interests and humor, even though they weren’t able to pinpoint what they really are. “We both had a mutual understanding naman that we weren’t looking for anything serious,” Emma states.
Deeper into the pandemic, however, the two began drifting apart. Unfortunately, what served as the catalyst for their connection also caused their separation.“Eventually, it fizzled out because [the pandemic rendered us unable to meet], and then eventually we stopped talking na rin for a while,” Tin says.
Typically, a situationship is defined as a connection between two people determined by a level of intimacy and commitment less than what would be expected in a traditional romantic relationship. Situationships can take many forms and often involve regular communication, shared activities, and a level of emotional intimacy that is not typically found in a friendship.
An integral part of this set-up is having less commitment, which seems more enticing to today’s youth. Most people are now undeniably embracing this gray area of relationships because of its convenience and flexibility. This comes with a caveat, though: People in no-label relationships need to make sure that both parties are on the same page about what it actually means.
The thrill of not knowing where it goes may feel addicting—yet it is that unpredictability that can soon manifest into confusion, anguish, and anxiety. Indeed, it can be difficult to know when to put your guard down once the lines are blurry and the terms and conditions are not-so clearly defined.
So, what are we?
Certainly, situationships offer the highs of both passion and companionship. However, this relationship—or lack thereof—may seem murky and too unclear in the long run. This has even been emphasized with Tin and Emma’s experiences on dating.
In trying to make sense of situationships, Katrine Bunagan, RPsy—a psychologist specializing in family and relationship therapy—deems it important to understand personal experiences of situationships in modern dating.
In particular, Bunagan stands by the relevance of initiating discussions regarding situationships to help people reach their personal potential in the dating scene.
Initially, these discussions begin with recognizing that people may expect certain things from each other. These must then be communicated upon diving into the uncertain waters called situationships. When a party wants more and the other refuses, personal intentions—such as one’s level of commitment—eventually prove to be fundamental in defining the connection.
Bunagan also shares that people determine their terms and boundaries differently, with others being more open to the idea of fully committing. Some, however, do not share the same sentiment about taking the risk on relationships and commitment. This growingly prevalent belief, according to Bunagan, can be attributed to the present culture, with the youth typically going against traditional practices. In an age where the value of individuality and self-exploration has sharply increased, the youth may begin to set their own unique definitions of romance and intimacy.
“With kids, there seems to be a push against the established norms. Although it is normal for the youth to be experimental, parang hindi automatic iyong pag-subscribe to the traditional norms (…it seems that subscribing to the traditional norms don’t seem automatic),” Bunagan shares.
She delves into the subject by comparing the consequences of situationships. On the positive side, situationships can be advantageous depending on one’s goals. “If it’s what you need at the moment, then that’s okay. It can still give people the feeling of being connected with others, the sense of belonging without the pressure of labels,” Bunagan recalls.
However, engaging in situationships requires careful discernment. In clearing the fog of ambiguity, she then highlights that defining the relationship by yourself is as crucial as defining it together with your partner. From there, constant communication should be prioritized so as to minimize possible pain and disappointment.
The next step forward
Many good things must come to an end—so when they come to a close, what happens next? Some may have simply moved past their experiences, but, for Tin and Emma, there surely is a lot to learn.
Emma’s previous encounters with situationships gradually helped her gain a more nuanced outlook on dating. “Right now, I’m only going for uplifting and empowering relationships, and I kind of made a promise to myself that I would never stay in a position or situation where I feel undervalued and unhappy,” she reflects.
Tin, on the other hand, shares a slightly different approach to dating as influenced by her experiences. “I’d rather choose to be not engaged [in situationships] rather than to be in a talking stage with someone,” says Tin. Through these formative experiences, both Tin and Emma show a certain extent of readiness for new beginnings as they move forward.
With people beginning to start anew, Bunagan reminds that situationships are completely acceptable as long as they rightfully serve one’s purpose. Nevertheless, caution should always be practiced. “The love for others is aligned with the love for self,” she imparts.
After all, the right balance in enjoying the company of another and of the self may just be the ultimate answer to embodying power amid the tricky strings—or lack thereof—in dating.
*Editor’s Note: The names of the interviewees were changed to protect their identity and privacy.
